How is it that a year passes and it feels like a day? Our Creator truly blows me away with the details of His creation. Time truly has rules and limitations like everything else, and yet it doesn’t feel like it does. How is that? WHY is that? I suppose I don’t need to know.
What I do need to know, is what I do with the time I’ve been given. This year, I feel I have been remiss in many ways, with a variety of things. My heart cries out that I’ve done NOTHING. My head says that I have. My spirit says I’ve been struggling, but progressing. Dive into this with me if you dare:
My prayer life lately has felt less deep. Do you know what I’m talking about? Where you know you’re reaching out to God, but it feels like you’re in a hurry and not truly giving Him your undivided attention. Yet, through everything around me, I know He was still strongly with me. I haven’t strayed from Him, but I was so overwhelmed that it was hard to feel His peace. In the end, His Spirit seemed to console me. It’s in the trials and hardships that I’ve continued to persevere and endure. I have grown – despite what my heart says.
My head acknowledges the truth. This year, I graduated college with a Technical Diploma as an Outdoor Power Equipment Technician, I moved to another state for 6 months and then moved home, I left one job I adored and one I didn’t mind walking away from, I accepted 3 new positions (if you count the one where I’ve decided to be self-employed), officially started dating my best friend, almost lost a friendship and almost alienated another acquaintance, made new friends and strengthened other bonds, started to learn a new language, continued to pick up the ukulele now and then, traveled less due to financial/social stress and obligations, reunited with extended family, and made many memories – many good and some not so swell.
My heart cries over the year. It bemoans all the things I should have (or shouldn’t have) done. It wails at all the heartaches, rejoices over the joyous moments, and begrudges some of those in between. I was not the roommate I had hoped to be. I’m not always the girlfriend I desire to be. I did not express joy in the midst of all my sorrows. I was raw and vulnerable for longer than I’m accustomed to. I seemed to be on the losing side for more time than I ever was – my whole life put together. I upset more people than I seemed to bring joy to. I was the source of stumbling, hurt, and tears. In all my life, I had never felt disliked before this year. Not like this. Shunned and left out, yes. Actively disliked because of who I am – or rather, what I’ve done, no. That was new.
You see, my friends, 2016 was hard for me. It started with me trying to learn to balance going to school full time, working half time, and becoming a girlfriend in addition to still being a daughter, sister, and friend. It progressed to me moving out for the first time, being 7 hours away from home, working alongside mean-spirited people for the first time, and a member of a new, strange household. My friend is 6 years younger than me and lives with her dad. They generously took me in, but weren’t used to my ways like my family was. It took its toll. After I moved back, it was hard to be away from my boyfriend again, but everything else is picturesque (except the temperature outside). I have a sub position for the old job I treasured and a position working at the same place that is temporary – for exactly the amount of time I expect to be in town. Yes, you guessed it. I plan to move back to be near my boyfriend and all the church brethren there. Before that happens, I’ll need God’s help to get a place to live and a job that will support me.
It’s time for me to stop ranting. My boyfriend is waiting for me to stop typing so we can read together before we call it a night.
Before I let you go, won’t you tell me: how was your year? What were some highlights/big changes that you encountered?